


罪人 ~Enigmatic Feeling~

by Marexian



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Don't look at me I have never written a fic properly before, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 05:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9370808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marexian/pseuds/Marexian
Summary: ...At that point when Ignis realized his love for Noctis he became his own worst enemy. For years, day after day he had to hold his feelings in. Back then it was hard; it was hard being a child who had to suppress his emotions, being unable to behave like the other kids.But he wanted to be selfish, just this once. He's going to be vocal about this feelings.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Heya, Mar here.  
> I've never written a fic properly before so this is all sorts of weird probably and for that I am sorry.  
> I kind of wanted to use this concept for a while though. It's not like gay relationships happen outta nowhere so I wanted to express that doubt. Perhaps that's a large bit of myself haha. Or even so, maybe both of them have small pieces of me? Little do we know.  
> Regardless, I hope ye gonna enjoy this.  
> Also thanks to my friends for proofreading this because I'm a sham.

_One... Two… Three…_  
Seconds passed, each tick getting louder and louder on the clock. With each second Ignis counted one new drop on his apartment window. His teal eyes traced their movements as they slid down the glass, leaving a vivid sight of the city behind. He was out of it, so out of it not even he could tell where his mind had wandered off to. At that moment, at 5 in the evening, he was just existing. His hands didn’t listen; fingers tap dancing slowly against the desk. The hot coffee cup played a role as well, filling the empty space with its fragrance and mist, letting Ignis know that he is still in real life. He knew that something was “creeping in”, a heavy feeling in his chest, uneasiness that he did his best in avoiding.  
He had one hour for himself. One hour before Noctis was supposed to arrive to his apartment to just hang out. Nothing out of ordinary, he enjoyed prince’s company like no other. But right now he had regrets.  
One whole hour for himself to think about his life. The idea spurred out of nowhere. Perhaps it was just a filler in his head until he thought up of something to do but he got sucked into those thoughts. Whole life, since very young age, was pretty much predestined. “Appointed” as a friend of the prince of Lucis, raised to be his retainer, advisor, friend… What if they had met under different circumstances? Maybe as Students in the same school? Maybe as passers-by at a shop? Would they still be friends? Would Noctis trust him so much? Would Ignis be even indulging himself in such thoughts? Why was he getting so worked up about their relationship right now even?  
Ignis finally snapped out of being mesmerized by the rain outside. He blinked quickly a few times before taking off his glasses. His eyes hurt and rubbing them definitely did not help. Maybe he was getting tired. But that was just an excuse. Hiding from his reflection in the window glass under the coffee cup next to his mouth he knew where his mind was trailing off to.  
It was a fact that since his adolescence he was aware of some things that he couldn’t express openly. When he was young, he couldn’t wrap his head around other boys’ fascination over girls in the class. Sure, they were cute and looked nice but… It didn’t click. And he never dared to inquire his uncle or family members about this. All he could do it quietly watch Noctis from the distance. And it wasn’t just simple guarding gaze that could have been implied given their supposed relationship. No.  
At that point when Ignis realized his love for Noctis he became his own worst enemy. For years, day after day he had to hold his feelings in. Back then it was hard; it was hard being a child who had to suppress his emotions, being unable to behave like the other kids. And it’s happening to this day, to this moment – 5:24 in the evening – but now it’s easier. Because it’s an adult thing to be tactful. Because it’s the advisor’s job to know what’s best for his prince. And right now speaking out his feelings wasn’t one of them.  
But maybe—What if for once he took the liberty of being selfish?  
_Just a thought… Right...?  
No, it’s not right._

Maybe first thing he had to do was to come in terms with the fact that he was gay. He was this close to actually accomplishing it but the myriad thoughts of doubt still surrounded him. Because he loved the prince of Lucis, his prince.

Taste of his favourite coffee was never as bitter as it was now. Did he add too much of it or maybe his tongue was missing the taste of sweetness. Special kind of sweetness. He subconsciously shaped up a public image of this conserved and bitter man. He wasn’t that, not by a longshot.  
His phone rang, letting out a short tune – a text message. Ignis set aside the unfinished cup of coffee on his table and stood up, going to pick up his mobile phone from the tea table in sitting room. 

5:48 p.m.  
_Time sure flies quick when you’re alone._  
Or so it seemed.  
A blue notification bubble bellow the clock showed a text from Noctis:  
Gonna be there in 5 mins.  
With a swipe he unlocked the phone and typed a short “understood” back. For a moment Ignis just stared at the phone’s screen, a wallpaper of a flower vase with sunflowers in it. It was a picture from a while ago, the very same vase was empty on the window sill right now. He did not know why he’s so fixated on it and on those flowers. But he couldn’t just discard the gift. So he at least keeps the picture while the vase is being idly kept aside.  
Ah, yes. It was because the vase was a gift of sorts from Noctis. Or more like Ignis just wanted something for his apartment and they were just wandering around the shops together. He still doesn’t know what to make out of that gesture.  
He locked his phone once again and put it into his pocket. His eyes drifted away at the sights through his window again, suddenly feeling cold from the heavy rain outside. His hands wrapped around his waist as he let out a sigh.  
I hope Noct at least took an umbrella.  
Of course he’ll think of his prince first. It was a habit. No, maybe an instinct even. To make sure the closest person to you is safe. That was his wish. But the more he became aware of his selfishness the more only thoughts were not enough. Caressing your beloved’s cheek, hugging them, embracing them and resting your head on their shoulder, kissing them—Perfectly normal thoughts for a man his age if his love interest was a female.

 

His cellphone rang again, this time it was a call. Ignis got dragged back into reality once again, showing away his thoughts and quickly pulling out phone again. Noctis once again. It was an agreement that they’d call the other if they were by their doorstep. The advisor quickly snatched his glasses from the table in the kitchen and then went to greet the guest.  
“Took you long enough.” Noctis didn’t waste a breath and voiced a complaint with joke undertones.  
Ignis stared the younger one from head to toe. He expected too much from the other one. An umbrella? Did those exist to the prince? He could have at least asked someone for a lift but no. Stubborn as always.  
“Sorry.” Ignis opened the door wider, gesturing for the guest to step inside. “But I didn’t expect the stray cat to be here so early.”  
“Oi--!” Noctis squinted at Ignis as he took steps inside. But then, yea, he kind of looked like one at this point. After a short silence as he was taking off his shoes he parted his lips preparing to ask a question but Ignis was way ahead of him.  
The advisor managed to find some spare clothes for the other one alongside a fresh towel and set them on the sofa in the living room.  
“Shower is all yours. I’ll make some tea in the meanwhile. Spare clothing is on the edge of the sofa just ahead so feel free to use them.” Ignis spoke as he went past the entrance way, secretly eyeing Noctis and turning his gaze away before their eyes met.  
A humble ‘thank you’ was expressed by Noct as he went tip-toeing towards the sofa to pick up the goods and head straight for the shower before he made the whole floor wet. For a moment Noctis had almost forgotten where what room was in this apartment but driven by guilt already he quickly recollected his memories.  
Ignis sent the prince off with a smile on his face and got to making some tea. He didn’t drink much of it but always had a variety to offer. Maybe he’ll go with linden tea and lemon this time. It’s sweet on its own so it was a good guess to what Noctis could like. He also had a chance to remake his coffee because he wasn’t going to drink the old cold one anymore.  
Noctis draped over a towel on his head before leaving the shower room. Waterdrops running down his hair fell onto his clothing but it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore. He was just surprised why did Ignis have this set of clothing because it fit him perfectly. He couldn’t have bought it for him, could he?  
“That’s better---“ Noct let out a sigh of relief as he fell down on the nearest couch in his way. Absolute heaven. He could fall asleep even right now but he still had some manners and didn’t even dare to do so. Wasn’t in his flat anyway.  
Ignis chuckled quietly at the sight of the young man just falling comfortably on the sofa. He placed the tea cup in front of Noct on the tea table. He didn’t sit next to Noct even if there was a wide couch full of space for him. Instead, he leaned against the window sill behind him and took a sip of his tea. After getting to taste it he questionably looked down at the black liquid in his cup. Still bitter.  
“What’s that?”  
“Tea. For you. To prevent you from catching cold.”  
“Thanks—“ Noctis sat straight up and shoved the towel away, revealing his unorderly hair. It got curly in some places, it was kind of funny. “You sure know your stuff.”  
The prince glanced at his advisor for a moment but their eyes didn’t meet. Ignis was definitely avoiding him and that was suspicious beyond anything. But he wasn’t going to bluntly ask, he knew what kind of a silver tongue his advisor has in order to avoid certain situations.  
Noct’s eyes wandered about, seeing how barely anything has changed since his last visit. And that vase was still there.  
“I can’t believe you still have that.” Noct leaned back against the couch, leaving his tea behind.  
“Have what?” Ignis looked at the other one confused before noticing where his gaze was directed at. “Oh, of course I do.”  
“Do you even like it?”  
“I would have refused it at the shop if it was the other way.” It wasn’t of any particular beauty. Blue vase with geometrical patterns embed into it. It suit his flat’s interior but besides that he couldn’t care much about it. Except for the fact that it was a gift from his crush. He got attached to that thought.  
“True. I just find it weird that you wanted something like that and not a cooking book or something.” Noctis laughed. He was just teasing his friend.  
And Ignis could only respond with a smile on his face, as usual. He had another sip of his coffee without muttering out a word.  
But Noctis was kind of waiting for an answer before he let out a sigh of defeat. He reached his hand out for the tea cup and crossed his legs one atop the other.  
“Not much of a chatter today, eh?”  
The advisor didn’t rush to react. His eyes slowly rose up from the coffee cup and focused at the guest. Was he being that transparent? Did he really seem so out of it?  
“So--? You’re feeling unwell or something?”  
“No, not exactly that.”  
“Then what is it?” Noctis sounded serious, no jest noticeable in his voice.  
There were two ways: dodge it as usual and try to laugh it off as a joke. But given Noct’s confronting vocal tone that was unlikely. Or actually speak up what was making him feel restless and possibly bury himself underground after the conversation. And he had to decide fast.  
“Ignis...?”  
“It’s nothing much.” But enough to mess with him. “Was just thinking about some things.”  
“Hm? You can tell me if you want. I’ll listen.”  
Could he really? Did Ignis trust himself enough? He sometimes missed having mindset of ‘I have nothing to lose’ because in this situation he would feel blessed to have it.  
Something was stuck in his throat and he could barely swallow it away. His hands nervously set aside the cup on the window sill.  
“Given your future marriage with lady Lunafreya I had a moment to think of my own future—“ he was hesitant to even start talking, even if he was avoiding to clearly voice his concerns.  
Noctis’ lips pursed (pressed?) together, eyes shut. It was true that due to his duty Ignis could not afford to pay much attention to his own self. But right now he was intrigued. Who was it? How did they meet? What’s their story? Childish curiosity overcame the prince and he unseeingly leaned towards Ignis, giving him the look.  
“Ooh? So who’s she? Want me to be your wingman?” Noct couldn’t help but to wink at his friend playfully before taking a sip of the tea.  
It was unusually sweet, something unlike for Ignis to do. Things made no sense.  
Upon the question Ignis jolted. Could he just lie about this saying he found some sort of a girl? But then he would need to piece a huge lie for that and he had no time.  
“It’s—“ Ignis focused his sight on his feet. Even so, his vision was getting hazy.  
The advisor took a deep breath in. Noctis paid attention to that as well with his eyebrows raised. Now he was more concerned about the other one rather than being curious.  
“It is a man, to begin with.” Yes, Ignis, that’s a good start. Slow and steady steps and we will make it.  
He feared to raise his bright eyes up at his prince, feared to be judged if they were close friends. And perhaps his fear was for the better because Noctis was truly confused and seemed to be unsure what to say.  
“Okay—“ Noct did feel a bit weird about hearing of that. But he couldn’t judge the other. It wasn’t his matter (business?). He could only be understanding to the other right now. “So, anyway…” his face went back to ‘normal’ “Who is the lucky one then?”  
Ignis hesitates even more. He wraps his hands around himself tight and turns his face towards the vase which was just besides him. At the memory it delivers he smiled softly. Well, if anything, he’ll have memories, right?  
“It’s one-sided, Noct. I never said I was actually dating anyone. It was your assumption.” A pause full of silence.  
Ignis got himself up and reached out for a chair that was used to stack some books on it. The books flopped down on the ground, making a loud noise. Noctis quickly put away his cup and was about go and fix that mess but Ignis stopped him.  
“Don’t.”  
“Oh—A-alright then…?” the prince went back to his seat and patiently waited for Ignis to speak.  
Ignis put down the chair right next to the sofa Noct was sitting on and finally sat down himself. He decided to be confronting.  
“So… What’s the deal then?”  
“I’ve known that person for a while already. Perhaps for longer than I should. I—I’m not exactly sure what to say?”  
“A name? How you met? I dunno… Anything?”  
“I thought I was being oblivious of things sometimes. But even so, I cannot tell.”  
“Hey, I thought we were friends!” Of course, it was a joke coming from Noct but Ignis’ face returned quite saddened expression.  
“Do you promise not to say anything?”  
“I mean—Yea, sure? If that helps?”

“You…” it was barely audible, on top of that Ignis held his head low. But that was only a preparation for his following words. “We met when the two of us were. Bound by family traditions, bound by our duties. At that time I only knew what I had to do and who he was.”  
Noctis felt tension within building up. He wasn’t stupid, he could get the clues. And even if sometimes he was bad at guessing – he couldn’t miss this one. Even so, he promised to be silent.  
“I was confused as of how I should treat him. He was out of my league from the very start. At first, I kept some distance, being “professional”.” Ignis couldn’t help but laugh at himself. “But time has taught me well to befriend him. Not even a second that I regretted my decision. First there as admiration…”  
The advisor nibbled on his fingers as his gaze went up and met with Noct’s eyes.  
“Then there was desire. And I regret it. Because I will never be able to match the very prince of Lucis. And we both know that.” A smile appeared on the man’s face but his eyes reflected sadness in them.  
Noctis was unsure what to do. He just blankly stared at Ignis. Was he expecting this? No, not within his whole lifetime. He did not mind Ignis being into guys that much; it was a surprise but nothing to worry about that much. His heart raced at the thought that he was loved by his advisor. His friend. His best friend. He couldn’t say if he was truly committed to Lunafreya – it was more of a close childhood friendship than romantic relationship. Even if he had any feelings for Luna in the past they were long lost within the distance. But Ignis—He had never considered the possibility. Maybe once or twice he had eyed him but nothing too serious.  
The prince furrowed his eyebrows and looked sideways, processing the current events at hand. His lips parted as if he wished to speak but then stopped. Can he say anything?  
“Go ahead, Noct. Speak out your mind now. Whatever is going on in your head – I’ll take it.” He just accepted defeat.  
Noctis took Ignis’ hands into his, gently rubbing his thumbs atop the other one’s palms. He tried to soothe Ignis, his tired hands that he nervously picked.  
“You know, it’s not true to say that you are unworthy. You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known. I’ll always remember you well if we ever happen to part.”  
“We will have to part eventually. Your wedding—“  
“Forget about that.” Noct got ahead of Ignis. He’s having none of that. “Our marriage… I was never asked if I wanted it or not. I hate that political nonsense. Me and Luna are friends at best. I’m sure she still has feelings for me but I cannot return them.”  
“Are you giving me hope?”  
“Maybe.” Noctis smiled, hiding his face behind his fringe as he turned his face downwards.  
Noctis let go of the other and hid his face in his hands for a second.  
_What am I doing?_ Last thing he wished was for this still so weak love to become a lethal weapon that would break Ignis. He didn’t want to toy with him for their friendship was too precious to let go of. But he hoped that his vague answer was not just the spur of the moment.  
Ignis was confused. He wasn’t sure what to make out from Noctis’ reaction. He wanted to place his hand on prince’s shoulder as usual but he only hovered it over before pulling back and clasping his hands together, preserving the warmth that Noctis gave him. He still kept on stealing glances at the other one. Being the older one, even if it’s a small difference, he’ll handle things calmly to help Noct.  
“Noct, I know this was a lot to take in. You can set it aside for some other time. There is no need for an answer now.” Ignis’ voice was back to his normal even if he kind of wanted an answer now to ease his mind.  
Prince’s hands revealed his face once again. He let out a small grunt as if he was dissatisfied about something. He rubbed back of his neck and threw a fox-like glance at Ignis. Get a hint. But he knew that he needed to show what he meant.  
_A kiss with a man should be no different from one with a woman, right? >_  
Noctis caught Ignis off-guard with his hands on the other one’s cheeks. Fingers caressed his skin, blue eyes only aimed for the lips. He was a bit hesitant but in the end, he went for a kiss. It wasn’t intrusive or aggressive. It was just a clue, a sign for Ignis to take.  
Clock counted only a few seconds before prince backed off. He parted away slowly, mouth still open slightly but it soon shaped itself into a very shy smile. Noct’s hands slid away from Ignis’ cheeks down his neck, then on his chest before making space between them. He couldn’t help but blush.  
Ignis’ heart was beating like mad right there. But he felt so happy as if the void in his heart was filled. Perhaps it was that kind of sweetness that he craved all this time. He smiled with his eyes as he secretly covered his mouth, biting his lips beneath.  
“Get a clue, Ignis.” It was a childish anger that Noct expressed. He even pouted but his face was turned away. Still, he was like an open book.  
Ignis chuckled lightheartedly. He has forgotten about all the anxiousness from before. He leaned against the back of his chair and looked through the window.  
It was still raining. Clock was counting each and every water drop on his apartment windows with each tick. Glimpses of a rainbow could be seen in the sky amongst the clouds.  
“I love you.”  
“Y-yea, sure.” Noctis peeked through his shoulder at Ignis who’s profile was beautifully illuminated by the sun. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: this was originally named as "binch what" because that was what I thought the whole time while writing this text for three evenings at like 3 am. Also this is weak af but I'm weak myself so let me live. Ididn'tevenwanttopostthislmao.  
> Also I wish ao3 kept word's formatting haha


End file.
